letting off some steam....

im nothing spectacular at writing, i just write what i am thinking. And sometimes I just gotta get what im thinking outta my head and somewhere. So I send my thoughts down my neck to my shoulders to my elbows and down to my fingertips to the keyboard to this page and to your eyes. Interesting thought huh? I had a busy day, or at least one that felt busy. I had a to do list which included things I didn’t get done. Such as putting clean laundry away and re arranging my room. I like to re arrange furniture from time to time just for a fresh new feel.
I did however get breakfast cooked and kitchen cleaned up from that just in time to cook some lunch for the kids. Then clean that mess up too. While thinking about what to cook for dinner. Hmm I decided to bake some chicken with my Greek vinaigrette marinade. Was very tasty. It just seems like work in the kitchen never ends. And I hate feeling like a slave to the kitchen. For instance, I cant make just one pitcher of iced tea. I have to make three! An unsweet tea for my dad, some sweet tea for the kids and my green chai tea with stevia instead of sugar. I have made just mine and the kids before but someone in this house got mad that I didn’t make him any.  I don’t like to displease anyone. It upsets me when people are unhappy with me.
Then I did go to the library to return some books. I am not finished with mine so I rechecked it. Then I indulged a little, I spotted and empty, quiet corner in the library and sat in the comfy chair and read, uninterrupted for about an hour I think. Time just got away from me. It was so nice. Then I continued on with the other errands I had to run. Besides me going to read at the library for an hour, the day just seemed to fly. So here I am writing about it. I don’t even know why I am. I think I am feeling really down in the dumps and just need somewhere to expel my emotions and thoughts.
I have not had any patience lately. Seem to get irritated so fast and easily. I hate it. I think it has something to do with the fact that I am a single parent of three. Yeah I live with my parents too. So I feel pulled in both directions, the kids, my parents, the kids , my parents back and forth. Then to make it worse, the kids dad wants nothing to do with the kids as a responsible parent. He only wants to be in their lives when convenient for him. He calls to talk to them about once every 3 months. He does continue paying child support but that is only because it comes out of his checks automatically. I’m sure if it was up to him to make the payments on his own he wouldn’t do it.
It just really bothers me that he has nothing to do with his kids! It is really hard raising them all by myself. I cannot give them everything they need and that makes me feel so inadequate. No mom can give enough love for both parents. I just don’t think it can happen. They are going to grow up feeling an emptiness because they don’t have their dad. I can’t even imagine why he is doing this. Well I can imagine, but I really didn’t feel like that was the man I married. I guess it really was best to leave him. I had to go with my gut instinct about leaving. I knew he wasn’t right. Now his true colors are showing.  All I can do is my best and love them and teach them. But I do get stressed out form doing so. On top of trying to please my parents too. I’ve really got to move out of here. For my own sanity.
Moving out would solve a lot of issues, but it would also bring a lot too. But I can’t even move as I have no current income and I am job hunting. Looking for a job is easy, it’s just getting an interview. I cannot get hired anywhere and it is awful. I went to school to get my emergency medical tech license. Now that I have it and certified and ready to work I cannot find a job or anyone who will hire someone without experience. I just finished school of course I don’t have any experience. Well I have lost my train of thought yet again due to my wonderful children. I need a remedy FAST!
I also have no money whatsoever, and I am supposed to be driving 100 miles to go to a birthday party for a cousin who is in town from out of state. Also to pick up my mom and bring her back home. No money for gas and no money for a gift. Don’t know what I am going to do about that. I tried working on ChaCha for some extra instant cash. But I get interrupted over and over by these kids. Making 2 measly cents per question, and averaging about 220 questions per hour is $4.40/hour. I need about $60 by Saturday. That means two full days of working. And that is only if the questions keep coming in fast. I have to put kids to bed so I can go work ChaCha. I just realized it is attainable. It will be hard but I can do it. That is what I love about setting goals. Mapping them out and finding a way to make it happen. Now only if I had a Monster energy drink to stay up all night working haha.