Subconscious Guilt?

Last night I had a dream about my friend Stacey. She passed away one year ago today. Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend, Terry, about how he had frequented my dreams over the years. I thought it was time to tell him. During our conversations he said something to me that Stacey had told me. How he let me go due to the fact he did not want to corrupt such a beautiful person. This statement made me get chills. Stacey had told me that exact same thing, previously before she passed. I think I may need to give a vague history of my friendship with her in order to understand any of the dream.

  

Stacey was a dear high school friend. We were soul friends, are astrological signs were the perfect compatibility match. We fit very well together.  We had our moments of being rebellious teenagers. I must say though she was a bit wilder than me. After one incident when we were 16, I felt it was best I didn’t hang out with her so much, as I wasn’t into all the stuff she was. I also had a serious boyfriend. So we kind of went our separate ways only talking ever so often. Life goes on and years go by.

 It wasn’t until she was getting married that we got close again. I was her matron of honor in her wedding. It was the best time I ever had with my best friend. I was so honored to be in her wedding. Just a little tid bit of how close I felt to her: I was at her house preparing some vases for the reception. Stacey was in another room, and I all of a sudden felt the presence of someone in the room with me. I looked behind me to see no one. Then I felt a sense of peace and joy. I saw an old lady with me with white curly hair. Then I heard her say to me "You are such a good friend to Stacey" and she hugged me this made me smile inside out and felt such joy inside out. then the feeling and old lady were gone as soon as they came. I sat there in a paralyzed state for a moment. My mind could not grasp what had just happened. I thought I might be crazy or was that a real ghost?  But it was wonderful. I told Stacey and her mother of the incident and they were not surprised, as Stacey's grandmother's "spirit" had supposedly done similar things to Stacey's mother. They truly believed it was her spirit or ghost there with us. I cannot explain it any better than that.

 We had gone out on a girl’s night a couple of times after the wedding. I was highly suspecting that she was getting back into the things that had destroyed her life previously. We also started growing distant again. Then life continued again as it always does. My life wasn’t going so perfectly. I ended up divorced with 3 children and living back with my parents. All the while Stacey was indeed in a very bad way hooked on meth and alcohol.

She had cleaned up her act yet again. She was attending nursing school as I was attending EMT school. We connected again. We had always talked about being labor and deliver nurses when we were younger. She came to my house for a visit. We had a good heart to heart conversation and it was in this conversation that she told me how she had to not be a part of my life because she didn’t want to corrupt such a beautiful person. I’d love to say it was the best visit I had ever had with her. However it was anything but. I saw how bad of an alcoholic she was and addicted to drugs. Although she never consumed the drugs in front of me as she knew I wouldn’t approve or participate. My heart was broken. I love my friend and I hate to see her mess up her life again as she is just getting back on track. There was really no way she was listening to me. She was in major denial.

As much as I tried to be a good influence, she wasn’t having it. All she could think about is partying. So much so, that when my kid’s dad came down to see them, she left my house with him. She cut her visit with me short so she could go party, on top of leaving with my ex. I was hurt so bad. This was the last straw I had with her. I couldn’t have her hurt me anymore in my life. I decided to cut all ties with her.

 A mutual friend we had kept contacting me telling me how Stacey was so sorry for hurting me and I needed to call her. Even her mother had called me. I love her mother too. But this was it, I couldn’t handle it anymore. Not until she could finally get her life together without the drugs. Then a year later Stacey had passed away. She never got it together. The drugs and alcohol killed her at only 29 years old. I was completely devastated and still hurt to this day. I attended her funeral alone. That was one of the hardest things I had ever done in my life. I was so distraught I couldn’t even drive and had to stay in a local hotel for the night. I have a lot of guilt for not forgiving her.  If I could only tell her how much I love her.

So I am not sure if it was the conversation I had with Terry, or just thinking about Stacey and it being the anniversary of her death, but I had a dream about her. Last night in my dream, Stacey and I were cruising around north side Fort Worth like we did when teenagers. This dream had a feeling of teenage rebellion. We went to an old house. There were several cars parked at this house. Nothing looked out of the ordinary about this house. I could see several people inside the house through a window. It looked as if they were sitting around a table and playing a card game. So I thought okay we are going to hang out with some of her other friends and play cards or something. When we get inside it turns out no one is playing cards and it is very run down inside. I have a feeling of fear. Something is not right in here. Everyone inside is in a state of excitement. It is a huge drug deal going on. This nasty looking couple just cooked up a batch of meth and everyone was there to buy it. Stacey just looked at me she never said anything. It felt like we had an agreement that I was going to try meth, and I had wanted to try with her. I was scared though. But I couldn’t show my fear to these people as they were dangerous. They pulled out a large case that was filled with drugs. Everyone was getting excited and jittery like. The nasty drug dealing lady looked at me and asked what I want. I had no idea, I looked at Stacey for her to decide what I was to get. Then the lady got angry, saying she didn’t have time for this bullshit. It was a very scary situation and I was deciding that I didn’t want to do this anymore. We were trying to leave the place. Stacey had bought a small amount before we ran out. We couldn’t find our way out though. Then it felt as if I had made my way out but Stacey was nowhere to be found. I felt very lost and scared. Then I woke up.

After writing this and reading it, I feel I have insight on why I dreamed this dream. Maybe it is my guilt of not ever talking to her and her getting left behind at the drug house and I got out. As in real life it is almost as if I left her at the drug house as I didn't go down that path and I feel guilty because she is no longer with us. I don't really know. I'm a just poking around at an idea. All I know is I regret not talking to her again. I've learned a very valuable lesson about life in her death. Life is too short and precious. I know it's so cliche and everyone always says it, but to really understand it and live by it is another thing. I have to say I finally understand it. I don't want to let life go by without telling people how I feel about them.

I had a weird one last night

The dream I had last night was so real, when I woke up I was confused. I was asking myself "Wait, I was dreamin'?" I really don't want to go into describing the dream as it is very personal, but I just wanted to share that it was so real. It was a very cerebral dream. I was psychoanalyzing  people that I have not met yet. I know of these people, I just have not met them yet. So knowing of them, I know a little about the life they are living, and my analysis of them was stunningly accurate. At least to what I believe. This just gives me more hope that I in fact am following my dreams to become what I truly desire. I am now literally dreaming about it. This may become a long road, but I don't feel like it is going to be that difficult. I feel this way because I know this is something I truly want to do. Following your dreams could never be a difficult task and you will most likely do it with pleasure. I know psychology is what I was meant to do. Every ounce of me knows this. I want to say sorry to all who disagree that psychology is not a good career path for financial stability. Am I financially stable now? no, so what is the difference then? The difference will be me doing what I love and was meant to do. I will be truly happy for once. So I will no longer be bothered by all of you who try to bring me down. I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life and I know what I want and need.

Older posts

I just realized I had some unpublished posts and just posted them. The last two posts are old. But I published them anyway as they are part of my chronicles of life. Yeah I'm depressed most of the time, but try to do what I can to make life better.

Roman Blizzcon and a Dancing Paramedic

Friday 9/2/11

Yay! it's been about a week since I could remember my dreams. Last night I did! This one was crazy funny. At Least to me it was. Didn't make much sense either. I have yet to figure the meaning of it I just woke up not 5 min ago and I am trying to write it down so I don't forget. I usually never do forget my dreams, but you never know. I know I don't recall every single dream I ever had. But I do remember a dream I had when I was about 7 years old. It wasn't a scary one either. I will save that for another blog entry.

Last night's dream starts out under a tent canopy at Blizzcon. I am standing in a rather large crowd. A man is standing on top of a fountain talking about something. Seeing that he is on the fountain I immediatly assume we are in Rome, Italy. That brings a smile to my heart, being in Italy.The next thing that happens is very out of character for me, but not in my dreams. I decide to speak to the crowd. I begin talking about coming up with better Rp'ing roles in WoW. People are curious as to what I have to bring to WoW with this new idea of a young Prince who tries to overthrow the King. Not real sure how all the story went that I told, maybe that is all I said, but people began to cheer after hearing about a king being taken out of control by a young boy over powered with runic powers. Sounds a lot like a death knight to me.

Anyway, the speech is over and I start walking around. Looking at all the different merchant's booths that are scattered along the ancient, tattered streets of Rome. I'm really enjoying the scenery when all of a sudden I see a guy I know. I immediately walk to him. This guy was apparently with me the whole time on this trip. I just never realized it until I finally saw him. I walk up to him and he puts his arm around me as he pulls me in closer to him he looks down and kisses me. In my dream I can feel the emotions flowing. Happiness, love, excitement, and peace. The funny thing is I know this guy in real life. He is someone I spent part of my life in school with. to protect his identity I will not give the name but his initials are T.C. We are a happy couple who traveled to Italy  to go to Blizzcon. After Blizzcon we go to what seems like an apartment in New York City. We are sitting at a computer desk and I am showing him some stuff on the computer. Then he says wait what is that file right there? I am too shy and don't want him to see it. I say it is nothing but he takes over and clicks on it opening a video file....

We are listening to music and Cat Scratch Fever comes on. TC looks at me and says I didn't know you liked Steely Dan? Amazing how things work in dreams. Steely Dan singing Cat Scratch Fever? Anyway, the video file that was opened happens to be playing cat scratch fever and there I am in front of the camera with a brush singing. I have curlers in my hair too. I am so embarassed for him to see this video as I know what is coming. I'm really getting into the song on the video then I stand up and you see me wearing a paramedic uniform, shirt untucked, my hair in those rollers and still got my tactical boots on holding a hair brush microphone. What a sight! You can see my sister in the background sitting in a recliner messing with some Christmas ornaments. Laughing at me act goofy. I then begin dancing ballet. TC and I burst out laughing. I am so embarassed. the camera follows me to a kitchen where my parents are sitting at a round table drinking coffee. My mom wearing her housecoat, they laugh at my but I continue doing soutenu en tournant around them. I'm looking at the screen thinking why am I doing ballet wearing a paramedic uniform? We continued watching the silly video of me dancing and singing cat scratch fever then I woke up.

I just re read all of this and I am laughing. What a weird dream.

Dreamless

I know we dream multiple dreams every night. We just don't always remember them. The past two nights have been that way for me. Since i decided to write and keep up with them i no longer remember them. that isn't entirely true. i actually had a dream, or thought, since that is all dreams really are, thoughts, before i actually fell asleep. it was about 10 minutes after i laid down and i was awakened from a jolt, i hate when i do that, but anyway after i woke myself i realized what i was thinking or dreaming about, which was riding horses with Asian men....weird i know. Consequently to deciding to record my dreams, I started to read Dream Psychology: Psychoanalysis for Beginners by Sigmund Freud. Just something I naturally am interested in and cannot help it. I find myself drawn to psychology and psi books all the time. Well anyway I am writing this before bed time I hope I have some good dreams tonight. I just took an allergy pill cause the allergies are coming in a  strong way now that it is close to Septmeber. So benadryl is saying "Aaaashleeyyy, it's time to go  to beeeed" I must follow these demands before my face hits this keyboard. I just read that last sentence and it just creeped me out. I have the heebiejeevies now, goosebumps and all.

Dreams

I decided to keep track of my dreams. they are so entertaining to me and feel so real that I think they are worth writing down. I am going to start off with the last two night's dreams. I didn't decide to publish them until today after writing the second one. So maybe sometimes I will have more than one dream to blog. But starting out I will have two. Please excuse all of the grammar errors, I just wrote them quickly and some of it from my phone. Thinking that I need to get it copied down before I forget about it.


Sunday 8/28/11

I wake up at 7:30 after an adventure in my sleep. I was rushing to an airport to catch a flight to california. Don't remember much of the flight just an announcement that we will be stopping in pheonix arizona. Then the flight from phoenix to cali was a little frightening. It was raining. I was sitting next to an older gentlemen and we had a small but friendly conversation. Talking to this man comforted me so much that I forgot about the rain and before I knew it we had landed I'm california. I am unaware of the time. When I got off the plane I was immediately next to a busy street that lead to a parking garage. There I remember feeling so happy that I made it. I wad finally here in california. I was in love. Then all of a sudden there was a lot of smog. And I realized all the cars were polluting so much, this saddened me. Then sad I took in the smell of the smog I realized was just fog. then I felt at ease. All this time next to the busy street I was on the phone with my cousin Brandon. He was in disbelief that I was there. I remember while talking to him I was.thinking how hazy California was. But i then thought out must be from all the weed people are smoking. So then  he was on his way to pick me up. automatically I was back inside the busty airport looking for my cousin. we found each other and he lead me to some glass doors which I could see the beautiful sunshine and the waves crashing on the beach. As we get through the doors it is all of a sudden dark. I feel confused. I ask brandon isn't it only 1 o clock in the afternoon?  He replies yeah it gets darker here faster . I think okay I guess  but I was still feeling skeptical about the eerie darkness. i stop and take a deep breath really trying to smell the wonderful ocean air. i was satisfied with the ocean air and it made me feel such joy to be here. we are along a rocky edged cliff, there are stairs leading downward. these stairs are natural made out of the native rocks here. there are a lot of people trying to get down the stairs. apparently the airport sits on a rocky cliff. we are all trying to get out of the airport. as i was stopped to smell i feel rushed to keep moving by brandon he pulls my hand. but i am still slowed down. i cannot take another step it is pitch black. so i am reaching in my purse trying to find my phone which has a built in flashlight. im digging and searching for it. people behind me are pushing me and i hear them yelling at me to move get out of the way then i finally find the phone. then i fumble with the screen not able to turn the light on for some reason, so brandon says  here let me see it, i was thinking no you cant see it its dark then i suddenly turn it on. i was able to light my path on the rocky stairs and we made our way down. this is where i wake up. i can't get over how real it all felt. that is why i decided to write it first thing this morning.


Monday 8/29/11

Weird dream last night. Very random and going everywhere, but the thing that stands out most is that me and mom and the girls were driving along in ft worth and we see a bunch of cars parked at this run down taco place. For some reason we pull in. a lot of the hoods are up on the cars and we see about 4 Mexicans men and women passed out in the cars. Then we come to one convertble sports car and see brad passed out. There is a large Mexican man walking around kind of intimidating but he seems to be under the influence of something. I go to wake up brad, I ask him what he is doing here. Why is he so messed up? what are you on brad? He gets defensive and says nothing but he is smiling. I can tell he is lying. Then the girls get excited and say DADDY! He goes to hug them and saying hi but he is distant still. They are asking him why is he acting like this what is wrong. He only replies nothing is wrong I’m fine. Then this mexican girl sits up, she too was passed out behind brad and asks brad, are these your beautiful girls? Then I wake up.

Just writing this makes me feel uneasy and upset and I want to cry. I just want brad to be a part of their lives.

letting off some steam....

im nothing spectacular at writing, i just write what i am thinking. And sometimes I just gotta get what im thinking outta my head and somewhere. So I send my thoughts down my neck to my shoulders to my elbows and down to my fingertips to the keyboard to this page and to your eyes. Interesting thought huh? I had a busy day, or at least one that felt busy. I had a to do list which included things I didn’t get done. Such as putting clean laundry away and re arranging my room. I like to re arrange furniture from time to time just for a fresh new feel.
I did however get breakfast cooked and kitchen cleaned up from that just in time to cook some lunch for the kids. Then clean that mess up too. While thinking about what to cook for dinner. Hmm I decided to bake some chicken with my Greek vinaigrette marinade. Was very tasty. It just seems like work in the kitchen never ends. And I hate feeling like a slave to the kitchen. For instance, I cant make just one pitcher of iced tea. I have to make three! An unsweet tea for my dad, some sweet tea for the kids and my green chai tea with stevia instead of sugar. I have made just mine and the kids before but someone in this house got mad that I didn’t make him any.  I don’t like to displease anyone. It upsets me when people are unhappy with me.
Then I did go to the library to return some books. I am not finished with mine so I rechecked it. Then I indulged a little, I spotted and empty, quiet corner in the library and sat in the comfy chair and read, uninterrupted for about an hour I think. Time just got away from me. It was so nice. Then I continued on with the other errands I had to run. Besides me going to read at the library for an hour, the day just seemed to fly. So here I am writing about it. I don’t even know why I am. I think I am feeling really down in the dumps and just need somewhere to expel my emotions and thoughts.
I have not had any patience lately. Seem to get irritated so fast and easily. I hate it. I think it has something to do with the fact that I am a single parent of three. Yeah I live with my parents too. So I feel pulled in both directions, the kids, my parents, the kids , my parents back and forth. Then to make it worse, the kids dad wants nothing to do with the kids as a responsible parent. He only wants to be in their lives when convenient for him. He calls to talk to them about once every 3 months. He does continue paying child support but that is only because it comes out of his checks automatically. I’m sure if it was up to him to make the payments on his own he wouldn’t do it.
It just really bothers me that he has nothing to do with his kids! It is really hard raising them all by myself. I cannot give them everything they need and that makes me feel so inadequate. No mom can give enough love for both parents. I just don’t think it can happen. They are going to grow up feeling an emptiness because they don’t have their dad. I can’t even imagine why he is doing this. Well I can imagine, but I really didn’t feel like that was the man I married. I guess it really was best to leave him. I had to go with my gut instinct about leaving. I knew he wasn’t right. Now his true colors are showing.  All I can do is my best and love them and teach them. But I do get stressed out form doing so. On top of trying to please my parents too. I’ve really got to move out of here. For my own sanity.
Moving out would solve a lot of issues, but it would also bring a lot too. But I can’t even move as I have no current income and I am job hunting. Looking for a job is easy, it’s just getting an interview. I cannot get hired anywhere and it is awful. I went to school to get my emergency medical tech license. Now that I have it and certified and ready to work I cannot find a job or anyone who will hire someone without experience. I just finished school of course I don’t have any experience. Well I have lost my train of thought yet again due to my wonderful children. I need a remedy FAST!
I also have no money whatsoever, and I am supposed to be driving 100 miles to go to a birthday party for a cousin who is in town from out of state. Also to pick up my mom and bring her back home. No money for gas and no money for a gift. Don’t know what I am going to do about that. I tried working on ChaCha for some extra instant cash. But I get interrupted over and over by these kids. Making 2 measly cents per question, and averaging about 220 questions per hour is $4.40/hour. I need about $60 by Saturday. That means two full days of working. And that is only if the questions keep coming in fast. I have to put kids to bed so I can go work ChaCha. I just realized it is attainable. It will be hard but I can do it. That is what I love about setting goals. Mapping them out and finding a way to make it happen. Now only if I had a Monster energy drink to stay up all night working haha.