Subconscious Guilt?

Last night I had a dream about my friend Stacey. She passed away one year ago today. Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend, Terry, about how he had frequented my dreams over the years. I thought it was time to tell him. During our conversations he said something to me that Stacey had told me. How he let me go due to the fact he did not want to corrupt such a beautiful person. This statement made me get chills. Stacey had told me that exact same thing, previously before she passed. I think I may need to give a vague history of my friendship with her in order to understand any of the dream.

  

Stacey was a dear high school friend. We were soul friends, are astrological signs were the perfect compatibility match. We fit very well together.  We had our moments of being rebellious teenagers. I must say though she was a bit wilder than me. After one incident when we were 16, I felt it was best I didn’t hang out with her so much, as I wasn’t into all the stuff she was. I also had a serious boyfriend. So we kind of went our separate ways only talking ever so often. Life goes on and years go by.

 It wasn’t until she was getting married that we got close again. I was her matron of honor in her wedding. It was the best time I ever had with my best friend. I was so honored to be in her wedding. Just a little tid bit of how close I felt to her: I was at her house preparing some vases for the reception. Stacey was in another room, and I all of a sudden felt the presence of someone in the room with me. I looked behind me to see no one. Then I felt a sense of peace and joy. I saw an old lady with me with white curly hair. Then I heard her say to me "You are such a good friend to Stacey" and she hugged me this made me smile inside out and felt such joy inside out. then the feeling and old lady were gone as soon as they came. I sat there in a paralyzed state for a moment. My mind could not grasp what had just happened. I thought I might be crazy or was that a real ghost?  But it was wonderful. I told Stacey and her mother of the incident and they were not surprised, as Stacey's grandmother's "spirit" had supposedly done similar things to Stacey's mother. They truly believed it was her spirit or ghost there with us. I cannot explain it any better than that.

 We had gone out on a girl’s night a couple of times after the wedding. I was highly suspecting that she was getting back into the things that had destroyed her life previously. We also started growing distant again. Then life continued again as it always does. My life wasn’t going so perfectly. I ended up divorced with 3 children and living back with my parents. All the while Stacey was indeed in a very bad way hooked on meth and alcohol.

She had cleaned up her act yet again. She was attending nursing school as I was attending EMT school. We connected again. We had always talked about being labor and deliver nurses when we were younger. She came to my house for a visit. We had a good heart to heart conversation and it was in this conversation that she told me how she had to not be a part of my life because she didn’t want to corrupt such a beautiful person. I’d love to say it was the best visit I had ever had with her. However it was anything but. I saw how bad of an alcoholic she was and addicted to drugs. Although she never consumed the drugs in front of me as she knew I wouldn’t approve or participate. My heart was broken. I love my friend and I hate to see her mess up her life again as she is just getting back on track. There was really no way she was listening to me. She was in major denial.

As much as I tried to be a good influence, she wasn’t having it. All she could think about is partying. So much so, that when my kid’s dad came down to see them, she left my house with him. She cut her visit with me short so she could go party, on top of leaving with my ex. I was hurt so bad. This was the last straw I had with her. I couldn’t have her hurt me anymore in my life. I decided to cut all ties with her.

 A mutual friend we had kept contacting me telling me how Stacey was so sorry for hurting me and I needed to call her. Even her mother had called me. I love her mother too. But this was it, I couldn’t handle it anymore. Not until she could finally get her life together without the drugs. Then a year later Stacey had passed away. She never got it together. The drugs and alcohol killed her at only 29 years old. I was completely devastated and still hurt to this day. I attended her funeral alone. That was one of the hardest things I had ever done in my life. I was so distraught I couldn’t even drive and had to stay in a local hotel for the night. I have a lot of guilt for not forgiving her.  If I could only tell her how much I love her.

So I am not sure if it was the conversation I had with Terry, or just thinking about Stacey and it being the anniversary of her death, but I had a dream about her. Last night in my dream, Stacey and I were cruising around north side Fort Worth like we did when teenagers. This dream had a feeling of teenage rebellion. We went to an old house. There were several cars parked at this house. Nothing looked out of the ordinary about this house. I could see several people inside the house through a window. It looked as if they were sitting around a table and playing a card game. So I thought okay we are going to hang out with some of her other friends and play cards or something. When we get inside it turns out no one is playing cards and it is very run down inside. I have a feeling of fear. Something is not right in here. Everyone inside is in a state of excitement. It is a huge drug deal going on. This nasty looking couple just cooked up a batch of meth and everyone was there to buy it. Stacey just looked at me she never said anything. It felt like we had an agreement that I was going to try meth, and I had wanted to try with her. I was scared though. But I couldn’t show my fear to these people as they were dangerous. They pulled out a large case that was filled with drugs. Everyone was getting excited and jittery like. The nasty drug dealing lady looked at me and asked what I want. I had no idea, I looked at Stacey for her to decide what I was to get. Then the lady got angry, saying she didn’t have time for this bullshit. It was a very scary situation and I was deciding that I didn’t want to do this anymore. We were trying to leave the place. Stacey had bought a small amount before we ran out. We couldn’t find our way out though. Then it felt as if I had made my way out but Stacey was nowhere to be found. I felt very lost and scared. Then I woke up.

After writing this and reading it, I feel I have insight on why I dreamed this dream. Maybe it is my guilt of not ever talking to her and her getting left behind at the drug house and I got out. As in real life it is almost as if I left her at the drug house as I didn't go down that path and I feel guilty because she is no longer with us. I don't really know. I'm a just poking around at an idea. All I know is I regret not talking to her again. I've learned a very valuable lesson about life in her death. Life is too short and precious. I know it's so cliche and everyone always says it, but to really understand it and live by it is another thing. I have to say I finally understand it. I don't want to let life go by without telling people how I feel about them.